Hi Folks,
It’s been a long while since I last posted. Shortly after my previous post
I simply started to slowly fall apart. Eventually I had to see a
psychiatrist and try different medications.
Most ironically I am now taking the same medication as my father is for
bipolar depression, even though I am not bipolar, for the simple
reason of genetics. It seems there do exist some cases of bipolar
disorder where there is a complete absence of a manic phase, and
evidently I am one of them.
A couple months later after starting this, in mid-2011, I was still
ready to jump off a bridge from the depression and also the lack
of purpose. I therefore made a trial work attempt writing code
for a defense contractor in Spokane. But I had too many problems
coping with the interpersonal interactions, and after six months
I felt forced to walk away.
By now (a month later), I have become aware that I have some
severe limitations, but so long as I observe those limitations,
I can still function.
Yavanna has been extremely supportive of me even during the
worst of my times, but when she and I were planning a revival
of our garden, she had told me: “I’m not blaming you for not
helping me with the garden, I know you were busy being depressed.”
My main effort for the past year was just trying to stay alive, and
to do my utmost to not show any ugly side of my disease toward
my daughter. I know my daughter doesn’t respect me very much
as a father or as a provider, and she knows I’m much too soft as a
disciplinarian. She gets scared during the rare occasions when I
have to raise my voice, I think because I control myself way too
much. But I’d rather have her consider me too weak, versus
robbing her of her childhood like my father did to me.
You all will be seeing more of me and my ideas eventually.
Best,
Aulë
